So, beyond doing a new startup, you may have thought, “I wonder what the Madscientist does in his free time?” Ask no longer! I was inducted into a very cool group called the Silicon Valley 100. This nifty honor means *I* am now considered important enough to review products. I knew when Infoweek named me “Geek of the Week” it would pay off. Anyway – like I said, we get nifty stuff, play with it and give feedback. I’m thinking software, gadgets, or other tchotchke – this is gonna be cool. This is what I LIVE for!
So then came the email saying they were going to send me a toilet seat. Yep, a toilet seat. I have never reviewed a toilet seat. Candidly I think the technology is pretty stable and little can be done to improve what has been unchanged for centuries.
The Brondell Swash 600 (www.brondell.com) retails for about a cool $900. Yep, a toilet seat. Images of Pentagon ashtrays and Space Shuttle toilet seats danced in my mind as I read they would send out a plumber to perform the installation of the device. Ok, I can do this. I’m willing to try out a toilet seat.
The handyman came out and performed a potty-plumbing bypass to add the Brondell to the American Standard in the master bathroom. The remote control was placed above the toilet paper within easy grasp. Remote control? I’m not going to fire this thing off from across the room, I need a remote?!?. Ends up there are several controls for the various functions of the device, but given the geometry of one normal positioned on the john, a remote control is the best way to activate the wonder seat’s magic.
Now those with delicate sensibilities may wish to skip the rest of this tale – but this is in the interest of science…
I awoke the next day with my morning constitutional as the first agenda item. Ordinarily, this requires little thought. You could say this is something one does on autopilot. But today would be different.
Glistening grail-like in plasticene glory was the new Ferrari of toilet seats. I had been wondering what my first adventure with the Powertush 6000 (ok I made that name up) was going to be like.
Hmmm…. It’s heated. The sensation of a heated seat is unusual, but kinda nice. I imagine those in colder climes will find the feature of particular value. As a guy who has done a lot of ice camping this is definitely living large…
Following the normal course of events, a closer examination of the remote was in order. Displayed in colorful pictograms separate functions for men and women are available. So I mash the button that shows a guy sitting on a geyser that will activate a “wash.” A small whirring noise starts and all of a sudden warm water is blasted at my backside. Now, being a geek I figure this thing has a timer and will shut off automatically. After a few minutes I recognize two things:
- there is no timer. And
- the supply of warm water is limited.
Being early in the morning I cannot say I was with my full mental faculties, but suffice to say the refreshing (i.e. Cold. Damn cold!) waters of the local reservoir were blasting at my nether regions at 60 PSI.
I repeatedly press the button with the dude on the geyser hoping the onslaught will cease to no avail. Perhaps my notions of UI are too heavily influenced by the iPod and I’m thinking a button that does an “ON” function should also possess the capability to produce an “OFF.” Not in this case. There is a red button labeled “Stop.” Now somewhere in the back of my mind I equate the red “Stop” with “Eject.” (Remember that scene in Top Gun when Mustang and Goose had to punch out of the airplane? Cool scene.) Anyway, I don’t want to “eject”, but out of desperation I start smacking that button like a telegraph operator on the Titanic. Thankfully the blast of icy mountain run-off stops and a bit of calm is restored.
Ok. I’m awake. Sitting on my throne I am cold and a bit soggy. Looking at the remote I note a button labeled “warm air.” I activate the dryer and a new whirring noise emanates and warm air is directed toward the affected area of anatomy. Ahhh…. given the “refreshing” blast so recently experienced the warmth is welcome. Now, for reasons that are not clear to me, (OK, it’s still early and I’m not really awake) I STILL think there is a timer. After a few moments I realize one could make toast on this furnace… After hitting the Stop button the incineration of my gluteus is concluded. I don’t know that you could say it truly *dried* the exposed surfaces – it was kind of like those restroom hand dryers. Your hands aren’t really dry – just warm and less wet…
Upon leaving the place of honor the seat performs a self cleaning of the toilet. Kinda neat.
Now, being a geek I like the idea that the first thing in the morning is technology enabled.
So is this thing worth the bucks? Would I buy one? My thoughts were formed by further examination of the remote. The plumber showed me a button labeled “Alarm” and then shrugged saying “I don’t know what that’s for.” You had to read the instructions (yeah, instructions for a toilet seat) to find a passage mentioning the use of an alarm for those who may need assistance.
Now I am a fairly fit individual, and found this odd until I thought of my friends and family who were advancing in years. Aging takes many dignities away from our elders – this may be a way to allow a small return of some peace for an all-too-human function. So is it worth it? I’ll argue for it. This is a cool thing – if nothing else having a REMOTE CONTROL for your toilet is pretty cool. I imagine next gen product will include orbital sanders, liposculpting, bluetooth controls – well the possibilities are endless (no pun intended).
